make anyone look stupid
Light Humour
This page last updated 98 Sept 28
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| Your boss on a typical day? |
A bad haircut can
make anyone look stupid |
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay.. you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays.
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Two men had been sentenced to death and were going together to the room to meet their maker. The warden made his speech, the chaplain gave the last rites, and the witnesses said a prayer. Then the warden turned to the two fellows and asked if they had a last wish. The first one said "I have always loved to dance so I am wondering if I could listen to the Macarena just one more time". The warden thought about this and then agreed. He then turned to the other fellow and enquired if he had a last wish. The second fellow said "Yes, I definitely do. Please execute me first!".
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A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. As she is sipping away she hears a wolf whistle and "nice hair!". She looks around but the bar is empty even the bartender is not around. A little while later she hears again the whistle and "nice eyes!" Again no one around. The bartender returns and she asks if he has been whistleing to her. No he says that must have been the peanuts. "The peanuts?" she asks. "yes" he says "they are complimentary!!"
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so GOOD.
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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished
; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and did some necking. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my costume to said he had a great time!"
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Thought for the day:
Giving continuous high quality service to your customers is like making love to a gorilla.
You do not stop when you are satisfied, you stop when the gorilla is satisfied
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Recently reported in a lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
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This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So
remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
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Emoticons:
:-) Basic
:-] Blockhead
:) No-nose
:-#| Has a mustache (1)
:-( Frowning
:-{ Has a mustache (2)
:( Frowning No-nose
:-{) Has a mustache with a mouth
:-< Sad
:-} Wearing lipstick
:-> Sarcastic
:-0 Orator
:-\ Undecided
:-6 Eating something sour
(-: Left-handed
:-8( Condescending
>:-< Mad
:-9 Licking lips
:-| No expression
:-D Laughing
:-o Surprised
:-e Disappointed
:-c Bummed out
:-i Semi-smiley
|-) Sleeping
:-p Sticking tongue out
|-0 Yawning
:-t Cross
:-# Lips sealed
:-v Talking head
:-% Bearded
::-) Wearing glasses
:-& Tongue tied
8-) Wearing sunglasses
:-'| Has cold
:<| Ivy league School
:-)' Drooling
:=) Two nosed
:-)8 Well dressed
:>) Big-nosed ----THATS ME FOLKS
:-* Ate something bitter
:~) In need of a nose job
:-/ Skeptical
;-) Winking
:-: Mutant
%-) Cross-eyed
:-? Smoking a pipe
(-) Need haircut
:-@ Screaming
(:-) Big faced
(:I Egghead
)8-) Scuba
:-[ Vampire
*-( Cyclops getting poked in eye
*:o) Bozo
*<|:-) Santa Claus
+-(:-) Pope
-:-) Mr.T
.-) One eyed
;-\ Popeye getting his lights punched out
<:I Dunce
=:-) Punk-rocker
@:I Turban
[:-) Listening to walkman
[:-|] Robot
0-) Wearing scuba mask
8-# Death
8-| Suspence
8:-) Glasses on forehead
{(:-) Toupee-touting
}(:-( Toupee on windy day
{:-) Centre parting
8 Infinity
(g) Small grin
(G) Big grin
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THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!". After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much money she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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There is a blond driving through the country. She has just dyed her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry. She stops at a farmers house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" Farmer says ok. She quickly counts them and says "91!" The farmer looks around puzzeledly and says "Ok. Take one." When the Blond is walking back to her car the farmer asks "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
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The pope was on a trip to California. He got a very sporty pope-mobile for this trip. He begged the chauffer to let him drive. Finnally the chauffer gave in and let the pope drive. Of course, the pope went crazy and was going too fast. Finally he ran a stop light and was pulled over by a policeman. The cop called his station to ask them what to do because he just pulled over somebody very, very important. His sargent asked who , our mayor, a movie star, or what?? The cop replied, " Well I'm not sure who, but he must be really important because the pope is his chauffer!!"
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A young lad was doing very poorly in school, especially math. So, his father, after much deliberation, decided to send him to a particular religious school because he heard it was very good. On the little boys very first report card he got all A's. His dad was mystified and he asked his son how he was doing so well. His son replied " well, I really knew that they meant business the very first day of school when I walked into that room and they had that guy nailed to the plus-sign."
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A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shotglass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine." Well the bartender thinks, "That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay." So the guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender. Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender asks for his money. The guy very happily says, "Here you go!" The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?" And the guy says, "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar? I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!"
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Why did the Energizer Bunny take so long to go to the bathroom?
Because he kept going and going and going
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Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
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Two Irish gents were walking along when they came upon their church. One says "Wait for me here. I have to go in and make a confession" He goes to the Father and says " Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have been having an affair with a married woman and I beg of you to grant me absolution." The father says he can only do so if the fellow tells him who the woman is.
"I can't tell you Father. I have sworn to secrecy." The Father asks "Was it Mrs. O'Shea?" The man says, "Please, Father, I can not tell you" The Father asks, " Well, then, was it Mrs. McNamara?" The man replies again that he can not tell. The Father says "Look, my son, I cannot help you unless you tell me...was it Mrs. Maloney?"
The man refuses to tell and leaves the church. His friend asks "Did you get your absolution from the Father?" "No", he says, "but I got some great leads!"
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The Seven Dwarves were sitting in a hot tub feeling happy. Then happy left, and they were feeling grumpy.
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A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaawd..." replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
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Once there were two Hillbillies who wanted to drive a semi-truck. They decided to take the drivers course to become truckers. The instructor (who was giving the test) said "Good, good." When they got to the top of a steep hill, they looked down and saw a one way bridge at the bottom with a school bus full of kids on it. The instructor said "What would you do if you had to cross that bridge?" The first Hillbilly said "Well, I'd wake up my brother Billy Joe in the sleeper." "Now why would you do that?" asked the puzzled instructor. "'Cause he ain't never seen an accident like the one we're gonna have!"
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One Sunday morning, Chelsea Clinton burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go her Mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half brother."
Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, Dear. He's not really your father."
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I met Prince Charles one day in Gilgandra, in Australia's Outback, and he was wearing a fox hat. When I asked him why he was wearing a fox hat he replied, "well I told my mom I was going to Gilgandra" so she said "wear the focks that! So I did."
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One day, the bell ringer in a church passes away, and the church has to seek a new bell ringer, so they hold auditions. One of the people applying for the position is a man with no arms. The church officials are unsure how he could do the job, but in the interest of fairness allow him to apply. In order to ring the bell, the man runs head first into it. And what do you know? He gets the best sound from the bell, and so is given the position. One day, as man is trying to ring the bell, he makes a run at the bell and misses, flying out the window and plummeting to the ground below, and is killed. A large crowd gathers around the body, commenting and questioning in shocked tones. One bystander says "How awful! Does anybody know who the poor man is?". Another bystander replies "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell...".
So now the church must once again find another bell ringer, and the armless man's brother shows up to apply. And wouldn't you know it? He suffers from the same affliction - he has no arms. Once again, he rings the bell by running head first into it. And once again, he gets the best sound from the bell and is hired.
As luck would have it, the new bell ringer is one day attempting to ring the bell, and like his brother, makes a run at the bell and misses. He flies out the window and falls to his death on the ground below. Again, a large crowd gathers, and again people comment and question. Once again, one bystander asks if anyone knows who the man is. Another bystander replies "I don't know who he is, but this same thing happened to a fellow a few months ago, and this guy's a dead ringer."
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This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing - eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and (you guessed it), pees right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie bisquit which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit", replies the blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," retorts the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a bisquit!"
To which the blind fella chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ___!"
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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
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The truck driver had this rabid hatred for lawyers, ever since his divorce. Whenever he'd see a lawyer alongside the side of the road, he would PURPOSELY swerve to hit him, even if it meant veering onto the shoulder.
One day, he saw a figure up ahead, hitchhiking. The driver thought "Lawyer!" and started to swerve. To his surprise, he saw it was a nun! He stopped and asked if he could give the sister a ride, which she graciously accepted, to the convent farther up ahead.
A mile or so later, the driver did see a lawyer ahead, broken down on the shoulder. He instinctively swerved, but at the last moment remembered that he had the nun with him, and he yanked the wheel hard to get back on the road.. only to hear, to his great dismay, a solid thump, along with the anguished cry of the lawyer.
"Oh jeez, Sister! I'm sorry!" said the trucker. "I thought I swerved enough to miss him!"
"You did, my son." replied the nun. "I got the bastard with the door!"
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Humor! - Job Ads
What those job ads really mean??!!
Here's what HR really means, at times: CLARIFICATION OF CORPORATE LINGO:
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way)
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it
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A guy is walking through China Town in New York. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says "Hans Olafsen's Laundry". "Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?" The old man says "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks "Who in the heck is the owner?". "I am he" answers the old man. "You, how in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olafsen?". The old man replies..."Many years ago, when come to this country, I standing in line at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede. Lady look at him and say "What your name?" and he say "Hans Olafsen". Next, she look at me ... "What your name?" I say "Saim Ting."
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LETTER FROM A NEWFIE MOM TO A NEWFIE SON
Dear Son:
I'm writing this slow cause I know you'can't read fast. We don't live where we did when vou left. Your dad read in the paper where the most accidents happened within 20 miles of home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address cause the last newfie family that lived here took the numbers with them for their new house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week, 3 days the first time and 4 days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home - said if we didn't make the Iast payment on Grandma's funeral - up she comes.
About your father - he has a lovely new job. Over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.
Your Uncle John fellin the whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off playfully so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for 3 days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. One was driving and two were in the back. The driver got out - he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned - they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time, nothing much has happened.
Love Mom
P.S. I was going to send you money but the envelope was already sealed.
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